Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
