I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
