Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I just had sex on a roof
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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