I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
