Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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