saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
