i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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