I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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