after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
