We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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