you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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