I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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