im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Can I color on your dick again?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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