So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
