Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Randomize
