I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
