i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
