I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
We got so high we made milksteak
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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