you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
it's like iHOP with fire
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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