just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
