On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
my being single is dangerous.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
