i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
