I faked an abortion last night.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
