The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
