i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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