I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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