Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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