"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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