Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
there's paper in my vomit.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
