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The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
