I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
