You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
