we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
