Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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