On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
