I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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