i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
