I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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