I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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