I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Randomize
