oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You are a genius and a whore.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
