just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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