i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
