I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
