i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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