Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
