my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
