Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
