I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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