me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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